Column #1 - “Relation”

Column #1 - “Relation”

Frankly, it took me a lot of time contemplating over what I should be writing and which topic should I come up with… Sometimes, this certain idea just pops up and then later on a more brilliant thought comes to mind! And then there comes the agonizing realization that I can't put them all together since each subject contradicts one another. But at some point, thankfully, I was able to decide on an idea; a theme which I believe is suitable for this month’s issue: relation.

Relation, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, means the way in which two or more people, groups, countries, etc., talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other. There’s a wide variety of people from looks to attitudes, and how we deal with each unique personality is drastically different. I'm sure most of us are aware that here in HiH a lot of people of different cultures, traditions, and race gather together. Our mutual interest in Harry Potter and J.K. Rowling’s works is what links and connects us all, and this for sure is what our relation is. Yet, despite this fact, we cannot stray from the thought that each individual is different, for example, how one would express their love towards HP within the fandom may turn out 180 degrees different from how another would show theirs. The way we socialize and interact with peers greatly affects our relationships with them. Some may approve of how you handle people, some might judge you for it… While some might not care at all. This is what brings us to my personal experience which I have decided on sharing on this specific column.

So, it was just a few short days ago on Valentine's wherein I decided to give my handwritten letter I made the night before to this classmate whom I profusely liked. He had similar interests with me and we seldom talked about it through messenger. We oftentimes talked about personal, deep stuff like family and life… those sorts of things. But we never really had a chance to talk much in person, like face to face. We chat for a while, but not as much as we do in the virtual world. I thought that maybe the reason why we don't talk as much was perhaps because we were both shy. But then again, maybe not. I could be wrong. It continued to stay that way until our connection just unexpectedly cut off. Even the chatting in messenger… stopped. Although, I tried my best to get in touch with him, his responses were always effortless and short. I brushed it off thinking he needed time for himself. That's when I realized I was lonely without him talking to me. Later on, I found out he had a girl he liked. She was very pretty and diligent. She always kept herself neat and was incredibly organized when it comes to school projects and reports. It bothered me, but I didn't want it to affect my feelings towards her or towards my crush. I gradually accepted the fact that my desperate wish of him liking me will never be.

A few months later, around December last year, I decided to halt my feelings for him. I joined a few communities and played a few games to get my mind off him. It wasn't as successful as I thought, though. I discovered that the girl my crush liked was already in a relationship. Haha, I'm sure my subconscious mind from back thought of this as a big chance to renew my relationship with him. Most probably, I devised a plan so that I could talk to him not only on messenger, but also in person. But I didn't do it. I respected his need of solitude and just watched over him from afar. Yes, from afar. I continued to pursue my best in school. I went through my everyday routine, I hanged out with my friends to distract myself from the lingering loneliness I felt for him. Until such a time came, I noticed how he kept on staring at me, and how he'd look away once I catch him doing so. It was adorable, hahaha. Anyone who's had a crush would definitely know the process of thoroughly researching, “Signs your crush likes you”, right? Apparently, I found a lot of signs that made me think, “Wait, what? He likes me?”. And it wasn't just staring, there was also teasing from his friends and subtle awkwardness when I talk with him. He also once, showed interest in one of my projects,but my friend who was holding unto it didn't let him see but he kept on persisting. Once again, I brushed it off, knowing how I'm so quick to assume and how boys (according to me) are fond of leading girls on.

Perhaps because of how I did all these by being the way I am caught his attention. I just couldn't hold it in and wrote a handwritten letter confessing my feelings towards him. But I was too hesitant; to give it or not to give? I thought. I had this one guy-friend who was really pissed off by how reluctant I was being. In the end, that same guy-friend helped me with the delivery of the said letter. He said he'd give it to him in my place. I pondered about it and later agreed. The next day, I was expecting a reply or at least a word from him, but unfortunately, I didn't get any at all. What's worse is when my guy-friend asked him about how he felt he said, “he felt nothing”. I was utterly heartbroken. It depressed me to the point that it made me want to jump to off a cliff. Just an expression.

I expected a rejection ahead of time so it wasn't as depressing as I thought it would be. Just a little frustrating. I ranted a few times but my friends were there to comfort me… sort of. Okay, they made me feel worse by saying I shouldn't have expected a response in the first place. Even though they were the ones who kept persisting me to give the letter. Still, I didn't let this beat the best in me and continued being optimistic. It was just infatuation. It's not like he’s the only suitor in my life, right?

Through this experience, it made me realize that ASSUMING IS WRONG. Well, aside from that, I learned that it's better to get to know another person as thoroughly as possible before establishing a connection with them. Knowing what their preferences are before rushing to do what you want to do so you can benefit yourself is important. Very. Think about the person’s reaction; will they dislike you or not? Contemplate on your soon-to-be-actions and be careful on the things you want to convey. When we want to relate with another, do it slowly and wait for them to allow themselves to open up.

My crush was probably too overwhelmed by my sudden confession. That may be the reason why he started to stray himself away from me. There was perhaps something wrong with how I socialized with him. He might not like a relationship through the phone but a personal one. I didn't think carefully on what I was going to do, and that led to him cutting off my connection with him. Overall, I regret it.

This is a tip everyone, take time to get to know a person, think carefully on the things you are about to do, restrict yourself from conveying everything in one go but show them gradually and as slow as possible. Especially to people online. Because only through that way of relation can a true relationship bear fruit. Signing out. Logged off.

 

Shirei Rizimi